Fili & Kili Read Thorin's Decision
by Dragon MoonX
Summary: Fili and Kili discover a rather interesting piece of literary work. Kili laughs, Fili is less than amused, and their commentary on the story follows.
1. The Secret of the Arkenstone

Fili & Kili Read Thorin's Decision

Disclaimer: do I look like J.R.R. Tolkien to you? Because if I was, Kili and Tauriel would be happily married by now.

Dedication:this was written for Opal1030 because I absolutely love the story Thorin's Decision.

There really is nothing like a good sickfic, and stories featuring my favorite "illness of choice", if you will, are extremely rare. In fact, Thorin's Decision is the first of its kind that I have ever read. So this was written as a thank you gift for Opal1030 for writing Thorin's Decision.

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Chapter 1:The Secret of the Arkenstone

"I found it! I found it!"

Fili looked up from his task of digging through great mounds of gold and gems to see his younger brother racing across the vast hills of gold coins and treasure with a cloth bound bundle in his hands. Bilbo, who was standing next to Fili and was up to his waist in gold and diamonds, also stopped what he was doing and turned to see what all the commotion was about.

"I found it!" kili cried once more as he reached the top of a mountain of gold coins. He dropped to the ground and slid on his bottom down the hill of gold, laughing merrily as he sped down the hill, clutching the bundle to his chest as he went sailing downhill.

He came to a stop at the bottom of the hill, gold coins and gems spraying out in all directions as he came to a hault next to Fili and Bilbo.

Fili quickly came forward, eager to see what his brother had found.

For several weeks the dwarves had been searching the halls within the Lonely Mountain in search of the one elusive gemstone that Thorin Oakenshield prized above all others. Could it really be that Kili had found what everyone was looking for?

Kili was grinning broadly as he gripped the end of the cloth that obscured the object sitting in his lap from view. "Fili, master Boggins-"

"Baggins," Bilbo corrected him.

Kili shrugged. "Close enough. I now present to you the most wonderous, most beautiful object in all of Middle-Earth. I give you...the Arkenstone!" And with that he pulled off the ragged cloth covering the gemstone with dramatic flourish.

Fili gasped, his blue eyes growing wide as the stone glowed brilliantly with a thousand points of dazzlig light in every color of the rainbow. He then picked up the stone, marveling at its beauty.

"This is it, Kili," Fili whispered, awestruck by the sight of the magnificent gemstone. "This is really it. You found the Arkenstone!"

Bilbo stepped forward to get a better look at the large gemstone in Fili's hands. He honestly didn't see what was so special about it. To him it looked like just another pretty rock someone hauled up out of the dirt, and when he voiced his opinion on the Arkenstone Fili and Kili both gasped and looked at him like he had uttered some horrible blasphemous curse.

"Bite your tongue!" Fili cried. "You have no idea what kind of powers the Arkenstone possesses! This is the legendary Arkenstone, the heart of the mountain. And here you speak of it as though it were no more than a cheap trinket!"

Kili stood up and placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. "Well now wait a minute, Fee. You can't expect anyone outside of our own race to know the true nature of the Arkenstone. And only those in the line of Durin know the secret to accessing the Arkenstone's full potential."

The blond prince's anger at Bilbo not showing their precious Arkenstone the proper amount of respect and worship diminished slightly, though he still wore a frown on his face as he handed the Arkenstone back to his brother.

"I suppose you're right, Kili," he sighed in annoyance. "Perhaps we ought to show this hobbit what the Arkenstone is capable of. Then he'll see it for the truly magnificnet and wonderous object that it really is."

"Alright then." Kili looked somewhat hesitant as he sat down in the mountainous pile of gold coins with the Arkenstone in his lap. "But you must promise," he said to Bilbo, "never to tell a single soul about what you are about to witness. This is an ancient secret known only to the dwarves in the line of Durin, passed down from one generation to the next and kept hidden for centuries. You must carry this secret with you to your grave, master Boggins."

"Baggins."

"Whatever."

Bilbo was now becoming somewhat curious as to what this gemstone could do. Did it possess some sort of magical powers? Maybe the stone itself was magic. Maybe that was why the dwarves prized it above all others.

"Alright, Kili, and Fili," said Bilbo, looking up at the blond prince then back to Fili's dark haired brother. "I promise that I will never tell anyone about what you are going to show me. I will keep the secret with me until the day I die."

"And you mustn't tell uncle Thorin that we showed this to you," said Fili.

"I won't tell him, Fili."

"Good. Because we'll all be in a heap of trouble if he finds out what we've done."

Holding the Arkenstone in his left hand, Kili placed the palm of his right hand upon the oversized gemstone, closed his eyes, and began to softly speak an ancient dwarvish chant. He continued chanting in a low, soft murmur what sounded like the incantation for a spell, and the Arkenstone began to glow brightly in his hand.

Slowly, Kili lifted his right hand off the Arkenstone, still chanting in dwarvish, and a horizontal crack appeared in the middle of the shining white rock. Kili ceased chanting, seized the top half of the Arkenstone, then pulled and lifted it back like one would do when opening a treasure chest.

The Arkenstone opened exactly like a treasure chest, revealing a flat surface on the inside top and bottom halves. The lower half contained a small keyboard with a rectangular patch beneath it. The upper half contained a dark screen.

Bilbo stared in awe at the strange sight before him. He had never seen anything like it before (though nither had Fili or Kili) and he didn't know what to make of it. He watched as Kili touched one of the keys on the keyboard. Instantly the screen lit up, startling the poor hobbit who flew backwards with a shriek.

"Stay calm, master Boggins," said Kili. "I know what I'm doing. Or atleast I think I do. Uncle Thorin taught me and Fili how to do this but this is the first time I have ever done it before."

Bilbo didn't even bother correcting Kili on the proper pronunciation of his name as he was too busy watching the dark haired dwarf typing various things on the keyboard and clicking away at the track pad.

"What is he doing?" Bilbo asked.

"The Arkenstone has access to a place called the internet," Fili explained. "Kili is logging in and getting everything set up for us."

Fili sat down next to his brother. "Need any help, Kee?"

"No, no I think I've got it," said Kili.

Fili was getting excited. Ever since he was a little dwarfling sitting on his uncle's knee Thorin had told him stories about the wonders of the internet. And now, after nearly a century of waiting, he wold finally get to see it for himself.

"There we go, Fili," said Kili. "Everything is working perfectly. And look, I even found that website uncle Thorin was always telling us about. You know, the one with all the books."

By now Bilbo had walked back to the two dwarves and was peering over Fili's shoulder, trying to get a look at the small screen in the top half of the Arkenstone. "Fan-fiction-dot-net," he read aloud upon seeing what was on the screen. "What is that?"

"It's a sort of library containing thousands of books to read," said Kili. "There are even books written about us."

"Us?" Bilbo looked perplexed at the notion of someone writing a book about him. "Who would want to write a book about us? And more importantly why? It's not like you could sell it and become rich and famous for writing a story about a common, ordinary hobbit."

"I don't know," said Fili. "Uncle Thorin said there's an odd sort of magic in the Arkenstone that even us dwarves don't fully understand. But you can find stories and books on here to read. All you have to do is type a name into the search box."

"Search box?" Now poor Bilbo was more confused than ever.

"Here, let me show you." And with that the blond prince typed up his own name in the search box and clicked on "search."


	2. Of Braids and Bets

Chapter 2: Of Braids & Bets

A long list of stories came up on the screen. Bilbo stared in stunned amazement at the many stories featuring not only Fili and Kili but Thorin as well.

Kili scrolled down the list before stopping at a story called Thorin's Decision. "This one looks interesting," he said, pointing out the story to his brother.

Fili's blue eyes narrowed as he looked at the title and read the summary out loud to the others. "I don't know," he said at length. "I don't much fancy the thought of one of us getting sick in a story."

"But don't you want to know which one of us it is?" Kili queried. "It doesn't exactly say which one of us, it just says 'when one of his nephews falls ill.'"

Fili considered the story for a minute before deciding to go ahead and read it. "How bad could it be?" he said with a shrug.

Kili clicked on the story and the three of them began to read.

As they read, the expression on Fili's face gradually changed from mild curiosity to wide-eyed incredulous shock and disbelief.

"Oh no, no no no no no!" said Fili. "This cannot be about what I think it is."

Kili started to laugh. His brother shot him a thoroughly pissed off glare.

"Oh, but I think it is," the brunette dwarf chuckled. "I think we both know what this is about."

"Well why me? Why do I have to be the one?"

"Because I already got shot with the poisoned arrow! It's your turn now!"

"He does have a point, you know," said Bilbo.

Kili laughed and pointed at the screen. "Look at this, Fee. It says 'Fili pushed him away spewing directly on the spot where he previously stood.' Spewed! It says you spewed!"

Fili crossed his arms across his chest. Bilbo curled his lip in disgust.

"Spewed," Fili muttered. "Would it have killed them to write 'vomit' instead of 'spew'? I am a prince in the line of Durin. Princes do not spew, we vomit."

"Oh don't act so high and mighty, " Kili said. "I've seen you spew plenty of times." He then turned to Bilbo and said in his most regal and airy tone, "Everybody make way, clear the path, roll out the red carpet. Here comes his royal highness not-yet-king-under-the-mountain Fili and his royal vomit for he is too good to spew. Oh no." He waggled a finger and Bilbo began to chuckle. "Princes are too good to spew. They do not spew, they vomit, like this -BLLEEEAARGH!" And he mimed throwing up in an overly exaggerated, loud, comedic fashion.

"Kili, that's not funny! Stop it!" snarled Fili. But Kili was on a roll and had no interest in stopping, especially since his performance was getting a reaction from Bilbo.

"I'm Fili, the dragon tamer," Kili continued. "Watch me as I fly over the Lonely Mountain riding the great and fearsome dragon Smaug, spewing on all my loyal subjects as I go. Then I'll go home and go blleeaargghh all over the walls!"

"Dammit, Kili!" The blond prince pounced on his younger brother and the two dwarves went tumbling and rolling through piles of gold and jewels with Kili still laughing and teasing his brother while Fili spouted an endless line of curses in Khuzdul.

Bilbo picked up the arkenstone that had slid off Kili's lap and looked at the story on the screen. It was then that he noticed that Thorin's Decision had a second chapter.

"Um, Fili, Kili, there's another chapter here."

The two dwarves stopped tumbling and fighting.

"Alright! Another chapter!" Kili cried. The young archer scurried out from under his brother and scampered back to Bilbo. He snatched up the arkenstone, plopped back down in a pile of gold coins, clicked on the "next" option at the bottom of the page and continued reading.

Fili, who was still grumbling and swearing under his breath, walkd over and sat down beside his brother. He was beginnig to dread what the next chapter had in store for him, but he couldn't turn away from it now. In all honesty he would have liked to have abandoned the story and run, but at the same time he also wanted to see how things would turn out for him in the story. So Fili stayed and read the second chapter of Thorin's Decision with Kili and Bilbo.

By the end of the second chapter Fili looked about ready to toss the arkenstone down Smaug's firey throat into oblivion. He groaned, sitting with his kness drawn up and his face buried in his hands.

"There are only two chapters here," Bilbo pointed out. "Where is the rest of it?"

"The author hasn't posted it yet," Kili explained. "We have to wait for it to be updated."

"Well how long will that take?" asked the hobbit.

Kili shrugged. "It's hard to say. It could be tomorrow, it could be a few days, it could even take months."

"I hope it never gets updated," Fili grumbled.

"According to the website this story was updated less than a week ago," said Kili, completely ignoring his brother's grumbling. "A new chapter could be posted any day now, but these things take time. Uncle Thorin once told me about how a story his father was following took over a year to be updated."

"A year?" squeaked the hobbit. He had to admit he'd become rather interested in the outcome of the story and didn't want to wait a year for another chapter.

Kili nodded. "I'm afraid so, master Boggins. It could take ages before we have another chapter to read. I doubt if it'll be updated by the end of next week."

"Oh really?" Fili lifted his head out of his hands and looked at Kili and Bilbo. "Knowing my luck the next time we log in there'll be a four hundred page novel detailing how I had a total guts blowout in the middle of the Wild."

Kili snorted. "Total guts blowout," he snickered. "Chapter three: inside Fili, where shit goes kaflooey!"

"I'm serious, Kili!" Fili insisted. "I bet that story will be updated before the end of next week. And if I'm right then you have to let me braid your hair and keep it braided for an entire week."

"You're joking," Kili chuckled.

"No, I'm not, Kee."

"Alright then. I say it won't be updated before the end of next week, and if I'm right then you have to unbraid your hair and leave it that way for a week."

"Agreed."

Fili and Kili shook hands, binding each other to the bet they'd made.

Over the course of the next several days Fili, Kili and Bilbo checked Thorin's Decision for updates every night after Thorin and the rest of the company went to sleep. They kept their discovery of the arkenstone a secret, knowing full well that if Thorin got his hands on it they'd never see it again. It was Bilbo who stashed the arkenstone away in the pillowcase on his bed, thinking that since Thorin rarely - if ever - entered the hobbit's private bedchamber the arkenstone would remain safely hidden.

By the end of the following week Fili, Kili and Bilbo were growing anxious. If the story wasn't updated by midnight that night then Fili would lose his bet with Kili. They were eager to check the story to see if it had been updated, but they had to wait until Thorin and the others went to sleep first.

Once Thorin and the other dwarves had gone to bed for the night, Fili, Kili and Bilbo crept off with the arkenstone wrapped in Bilbo's pillowcase and disappeared into one of the treasure rooms in the lower halls of the Lonely Mountain. It was here that they hid themselves away between mountainous piles of gold and gems that shielded them from view should anyone happen to come across them.

The hobbit and the two heirs of Durin sat down amongst the heaping mounds of gold. Kili unwrapped the arkenstone, logged into his account and immediately checked to see if Thorin's Decison had been updated yet. What he saw left him staring at the screen in open-mouthed stunned silence.

Bilbo gasped. "There's another chapter!" he exclaimed. "It's only an hour until midnight and the third chapter has been posted!"

Now it was Fili's turn to laugh. The blond prince fell over onto his back and proceeded to laugh until tears streamed from the corners of his bright blue eyes. He laughed so hard his sides hurt.

"I don't believe this," said Bilbo, shaking his head as he gazed at the screen. "It's been two whole weeks since the last chapter was posted. And now this," he waved his hand at the screen in a gesture that clearly said 'can you believe this?' "What're the chances of that happening?"

"I don't know," said Fili, sitting up and holding his side asif attempting to inact a scence from the story they were reading. "But Kili is going to look so cute with braids!"

The next morning at breakfast Thorin and company sat staring at Kili as he entered the dining hall with several rows of neatly woven braids dangling in his dark brown hair. To make matters worse, Fili had even woven multi colored beads into Kili's braids.

"Ah, master Kili, you're looking rather lovely this morning," said Oin. "Very nice braids. Did you do it yourself, laddie?"

Fili snorted into his cup of juice, trying hard no to laugh.

"Fili," Kili whispered out of the corner of his mouth so no one but his brother could hear him. "I swear to Mahal that if you laugh or say one word about this I will gut you myself and strangle you with your own intestines."


	3. Road Trip to Rivendell

Chapter 3: Road Trip To Rivendell

To pass the time while they were waiting for the next update, Fili, Kili and Bilbo started searching various websites to see what else they could find of themselves on the internet.

Since Bilbo had no idea how to use the arkenstone and navigate his way around the internet, he would simply sit back and watch as Kili moved from one website to the next, stopping every now and then to point out and discuss interesting things he found along the way.

Bilbo could see now why the dwarves loved the arkenstone so much. This place called the internet which the arkenstone had access to was fascinating and highly entertaining to say the least. Forget about having a magic ring that made him invisible. The internet was Bilbo's new precious now.

One night Kili found his way onto a place called Google. He switched to the image search function and, thinking he was funny, typed "Fili Love" into the search box.

Fili gave his brother a confused look. "What did you do that for?"

"Oh, come on now, Fee. Surely you remember uncle Thorin's stories about the crazed fangirls and the artwork they made," Kili said with a sly smirk on his face. "Perhaps one of them has made a drawing of you with some male elf from Mirkwood."

Fili blanched visibly, then his color returned abruptly as his cheeks turned bright red.

"But I'm not - I would never - I-I-" he sputtered in a fit of rage.

Kili started to laugh, amused by his brother's anger. He clicked the search button and several images appeared on the screen. But instead of finding pictures of his brother in compromising positions with male elves, Kili found something entirely different.

What he found was a work of fanart that showed a shirtless Fili getting poked in the belly by his younger brother.

Bilbo and the dwarves stared at the drawing for several seconds before one of them finally spoke.

"What is this?" asked Fili. "Don't tell me someone has made a drawing to go with the story we're reading."

The word balloon above Fili's head in the drawing said, "This is not funny, Kili! Stop it! Enough! We must do something with this. Kili!"

The word balloon above Kili's head in the drawing said, "Why? You say that because you're the victim now! Just let me enjoy the moment. Revenge is sweet! Hee hee."

"It is true, though," said Kili, grinning. "Like I said before, I already got shot with the poisoned arrow, and you're unhappy because you're the victim now, not me. Isn't that right, Fee?" And with that he playfully poked Fili in the stomach.

"Kili, stop that!" Fili growled.

"Poke poke."

"Kili!"

The brunette dwarf backed off his older sibling, still grinning from ear to ear. "Lets go back to the place with the stories. Searching for pictures of you with male elves has given me an idea."

"You're not going to try finding stories about me and the elevn king of Mirkwood are you?" Fili asked wearily.

"No, I have a better idea."

Fili and Bilbo watched as Kili went back to and searched for stories that paired Kili with Tauriel. He found a story entitled Daniel in the Den and clicked on it.

"Here we go," said Kili. "A nice romance."

"Um Kili, what does 'smut' mean?" asked Bilbo.

"Don't know. But we'll find out by reading it won't we?" answered Kili with a pleasant smile.

Aftr reading a couple paragraphs it soon became apparent that the story Kili had chosen was more than "a nice romance." Kili suddenly stood up, arkenstone in hand, and excused himself for a few minutes. Fili and Bilbo waited for him to return, but he did not make another appearance that night.

The next night when Fili and Bilbo went to their usual hiding place to surf the web in secrecy they found Kili already there waiting for them.

"Where did you go running off to last night, brother?" Fili asked.

"Oh, so sorry. I remembered something I had to do then accidently dozed off," said Kili.

Fili doubted that that was true, but decided not to press the issue and took his usual seat next to his younger brother as they prepared to check and see if Thorin's Decison had been updated yet.

"There are five chapters!" Kili cried out with excitement, startling the poor hobbit.

"Five," Fili narrowed his eyes as he looked at the screen in the top half of the arkenstone. "But there were only three chapters the last time we checked it."

Kili looked about ready to wet his pants with excitement. Fili meanwhile felt as though he was about to be ill. His heart was pounding hard against his ribs with nervous anticipation and a feeling of dread had dropped into the pit of his stomach like a concrete block.

The blond prince groaned and covered his eyes with his hands as Kili jumped ahead to chapter four.

"I don't like where this story is going, Kili," said Fili. "And didn't they say in the last chapter that you and me were headed back to Rivendell?"

"Yes Fee, it said that we were going there to see if Elrond could help you."

"Oh terrific," Fili remarked sarcastically. "We're going on a road trip. Don't mind me as I have a total guts blowout on the side of the road over here."

"I love that saying of yours," said Kili, laughing as he looked over at his brother.

"What? Total guts blowoff?"

"Blowout, yes Fee, that's the one."

"Blowoff..." Fili lowered his hands and slowly shook his head. "Like it's going to blast off into the sky..."

"Long about now it probably could," Kili chuckled.

"I meant to say blowout, not blowoff," Fili muttered.

Kili suddenly gasped and clapped a hand to Fili's forehead. "He's getting worse, master Boggins! He's as hot as a furnace and the infection is spreading and poisoning his brain! He doesn't know what he's saying anymore!"

Fili frowned and brushed Kili's hand away from his forehead. "Are we going to read the story or not, Kee? Because I didn't come here for another one of your dramatic perfomances."

"Right," said Kili. "Story time. Team Durin blast off into another adventure!"

Fili, Kili and Bilbo read chapter four and were surprised to see that chapter five was not a chapter at all but a note asking the readers to decide whether or not Fili should live or die in the story.

The three of them stared with wide eyes and open mouths at the computer screen, looking very much like a bunch of guppies. Finally, it was Fili who broke the silence.

"What?" was all he managed to say, still staring at the screen in shock. After several more seconds of stunned silence the blond prince overcame his momentary speechlessness and and shouted, "You can't kill me off! You can't! You absolutely cannot!"

"Calm down, Fee," said Kili, trying his best to placate his older brother.

"No, I will not calm down!" Fili snapped angrily. "I've had enough of stories that have me die! Did you know that there's even rumored to be a book out there that says you, me and uncle Thorin died during the battle of five armies?"

The brunette balked at the thought. "But that's absurd! We didn't die during that battle."

"I know that, Kili. But what I'm saying is that I'm sick of this. Saying that I died in battle defending our uncle is one thing, but this...this is the most heinous atrocity I've ever laid eyes on. I refuse to die that way!"

"You don't have to die. It says here that you can PM the author to let them now what outcome you want," said Bilbo, pointing at a note on the screen from the author that requested readers to decide Fili's fate. "Whatever PM means I don't know," he added. "But if either of you two know what it is then you ought to give it a go."

"Right then," siad Fili, snatching the arkenstone off Kili's lap. "I know what that means. Uncle Thorin taught us that PM means 'private message'. So I think I'll message this author and give them a piece of my mind."

"Hold on, Fee. You better let me do that," said Kili, taking the arkenstone back and beginning to type. "We don't want anyone mistaking your message for a furious flame. I can word it in a more pleasing manner so we don't get banned from the site."


	4. The Loss of Bofur's Hat

Chapter 4: The Loss Of Bofur's Hat

A week passed before Thorin's Decision was updated, and much to Fili's relief it appeared as though he was going to survive.

Their worries set aside, the two dwarves and the hobbit sat down and began to read the new chapter.

"Oh look, it's Radagast," said Bilbo happily. "I always did like him. Rather pleasant fellow albeit a bit strange."

"'It - whatever it was - sprung from the bushes with a yelp, soaring above the dwarves' heads barely missing the taller two and taking Bofur's hat with it,'" said Kili, reading aloud from the story. "Oh no, they got Bofur's precious hat!" he exclaimed in tones of mock concern. "You know, that hat could come in handy in case Fili has to spew again. He could just spew in Bofur's hat."

"That's revolting," said Fili, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"I just thought of something," Kili said, grinning. "I could just see Fili doing battle with Smaug. Smaug would come out, roaring and breathing great torrents of fire. Then we'd send Fili out and he'd open his mouth and projectile spew all over Smaug from head to tail. And Smaug would wave a white flag and be like 'I surrender! I surrender! Waaahhh!' and flee from the mountain never to be seen again."

Fili groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "Would you stop with the vomit jokes?" He was then taken by surprise as a belch rose up in his throat, and he clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle the belch.

"Careful, Fili," Kili warned. "You didn't spill any, did you? Do you need me to get Bofur's hat?"

"Just shut up and read the damn story, Kee."

"Rest in peace, Bofur's dearly departed hat," said Kili, wiping away nonexistent tears from his brown eyes. "You were sacrificed for a noble cause, so the not-yet-king-under-the-mountain Fili would not be forced to spew on the ground like a common peasant."

"Oh, this isn't good," said Bilbo, who had been reading ahead in the story while Fili and Kili were talking. "Listen to this. 'Plus, Thorin had taken his eldest nephew's swords, leaving him defenseless and the younger on his own should they cross paths with the foul beings.'"

"Well of course uncle Thorin took Fili's swords," said Kili as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. He placed a hand on Fili's shoulder, turned to his brother and said, "As sick as you are we wouldn't want you to collapse and accidently land on one of your swords and end up commiting hara-kiri, now would we?"

Fili's blue eyes widened. "Hara-kiri? Well, isn't that what they're going to do to me? Isn't hara-kiri when you stick a knife in someone's belly and split them up the middle?"

Bilbo continued reading aloud from the story. "'He wondered once the princes were found, would they cut Fili out there or bring him back to camp to carry out the heinous task?'"

"I'm sure they will do it out in the cave," said Fili. "Everyone will show up and Oin will be running and pushing past everyone to get to me, and he'll tell them, 'There's no time! We have to do it here now!'"

"You really think so?"

Fili sighed. "Yes, Bilbo, I do. I see it coming to that in the end."

"I don't like the part where it says 'Bilbo pondered if Thorin possibly preferred his younger nephew over the eldest,'" said Kili, frowning as he read the words off the screen. "Uncle Thorin loves each of us equally. There are no favorites."

"That's right," Fili agreed.

"However," Kili continued, causing his brother to groan and roll his eyes. "You'd think that if Fili was uncle's favorite he wouldn't have been forced to spew on the ground. Thorin would have run and stuffed Bofur's hat under him."

"I said enough with the vomit jokes!" Fili shouted, his bright blue eyes blazing with anger. "I swear to Mahal that if I hear one more vomit joke out of you I'm going to chuck the arkenstone into the firey pits of Mordor and tell Thorin you did it!"

Kili held his hands up infront of him. "Alright, Fee, alright. I get the message. No more jokes about you spewing. I'm sorry. I thought it was funny."

"Well, it isn't," snapped Fili. "Next time we get online we'll read about you throwing up in Oin's helm in the story Kili's Fire Within. See if you think it's funny then."

Later that night as Fili slept in bed, he began to toss and turn, the blankets twisting around his lean frame as his mind was locked in a bizarre nightmare about the Thorin's Decision story he'd been reading.

The dream began peaceful and normal enough. He was back in Bilbo's house sitting around the fire with Thorin and company. The dwarves were content and relaxed, some of them smoking pipes by the fire as the stars outisde the window twinkled and shined in the deep midnight blue sky. A few of the dwarves began to hum a tune, their rich baritone voices gently rumbling in their chests, filling the small room of Bilbo's house with the low sound of the dwarves' pleasent tune.

It was then that Fili realized he wasn't feeling well. There was a sharp, stabbing pain in his side.

As Fili winced and held his stomach, Oin approached him with a small glass vial of some foul looking brownish-green fluid in his hand.

"Fili, you don't look so good, laddie. I think you shoud drink a bit of this. It'll help with the pain."

The blond prince cast a wary eye on the vial. The liquid in the vial looked like wet mud mixed with thick green slime scraped off the underside of a boulder in a swamp.

"What is it?" he asked the old healer.

"This, young lad, is zydrate," Oin replied. And with that the dwarves around Fili began to sing.

"Zydrate comes in a little glass vial," sang Oin as he pointed to the vial in his hand.

"A little glass vial?" the chorus of dwarves behind Oin sang.

Oin nodded. "A little glass vial."

Kili snatched up the vial from Oin's hand and tied it to one of his arrows just below the arrowhead. He fitted the arrow to his bow, aimed it at Fili, and this is what Kili sang -

"And the little glass vial goes into the gun like a battery

And the zydrate gun goes somewhere against your anatomy

And when the gun goes off it sparks and your ready for surgery."

Kili fired his arrow at Fili's abdomen, Fili screamed, and suddenly the scene changed to one of Bilbo singing as he dug a grave for Fili in the middle of a cemetery located at the base of the Lonely Mountain.

"Burglar

Burglar

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother

Graverobber

Graverobber

Sometimes I wonder why they need me at all," the little hobbit sang as he heaved great mounds of earth out of the grave he was digging, adding to the ever increasing mound of soil on the ground beside him.

The next thing Fili knew he was standing in the cemetery with Thorin and company.

Bilbo leapt out of the grave he was digging, unrolled a sheet of parchment that was longer than he was tall, thrust the parchment into Fili's hands and sang, "Fili's contract's got some mighty fine print."

"Mighty fine print?" Fili questioned nerverously, glancing down at the parchment in his hands.

"Mighty fine print!" Bofur and Bomber sang in unison.

Kili came forward, materializing out of the ghostly fog that hung cold and still in the cemetery air, and this is what he sang -

"And that mighty fine print

Puts Fili in a mighty fine predicament

If Fili up and splits

His guts are forfeit

And if Opal1030 does will it

Then a repo man will come and he'll pay for that surgery."

Thorin grabbed hold of Fili by one arm, Bifur seizing hold of him by the other, and together they dragged the blond prince who was now screaming and kicking through the cemetery.

Thorin and Bifur slammed Fili down hard onto his back near the grave Bilbo had dug. Fili suddenly found himself spread eagle on the cold hard ground, his wrists and ankles tied with heavy ropes to pegs pounded into the earth, keeping him flat on his back and preventing him from moving or escaping.

Bilbo and the others were still singing their twisted song as Dwalin approached Fili with a large battle axe in his muscular hands.

Dwalin raised the axe above his head, preparing to bring it down on Fili. Fili panicked, screaming and struggling against the ropes that held him down. Dwalin brought down his axe, and with a single gutwrenching scream of terror the blond prince sat bolt upright in bed, waking up from his nightmare trembling, pale and drenched in cold sweat.

Startled by his brother's cry, Kili woke up and practically flew out of bed.

"Fili, what's wrong? Why did you scream?" he asked, turning to face his brother in the bed opposite his own. He was then met with a pillow striking him square in the face.

Feathers flew in every direction as Fili proceeded to beat Kili mercilessly with his pillow as though they were still children.

"The next time that story is updated you'll read it without me!" Fili yelled angrily as he beat his brother about the chest and face with his pillow. "I've had it with that story! It's over! I'm done!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: where are my reviewers? I was enjoying all the reviews I was getting for this but now only one person has been leaving me reviews. I know this story is being read because the traffic stats are really good. So if you read this, would you please be so kind as to leave me a review? Thank you.**


	5. Azog the Repo Man

Chapter 5: Azog the Repo Man

The following night found Kili and Bilbo alone in their secret hideout behind mountains of gold and jewels as Kili logged in to see if Thorin's Decision had been updated.

Bilbo looked around the treasure room, wondering if perhaps Fili was just a bit late. When the hobbit asked if Fili would be joining them soon Kili told him the story of how Fili had awoken in the middle of the night from a nightmare about the story they were reading, beat him with his pillow, and told him he wouldn't be reading anymore of Thorin's Decision.

"Not to worry, master Boggins," said Kili, smiling and clapping Bilbo on the back. "Fili's probably just a bit tired and grumpy from all the nights we've spent staying up late reading stories. He'll be back. He just needs time to catch up on his rest."

"Well what do we do in the meantime? Fili is gone and Thorin's Decision hadn't been updated yet."

"We'll just find something else to read. Anything in particular you'd like me to search for?" Kili sat poised with his fingers hovering inches above the keyboard, ready to start typing up whatever Bilbo wanted him to search for.

Bilbo thought about it for a moment before deciding he wanted to read a story about himself.

"Could you please look up stories with me in them?" he politely asked the brunette prince. "I'm curious to see what others have been writing about me. That is if anyone has written anything about me."

And so began Kili and Bilbo's long nights reading fanfiction without the blond prince of Durin.

Several days passed without Fili showing up to rejoin what Kili had now dubbed "The Heir of Durin Reading Club." But sure enough Fili's anger gradually began to dissipate. It was impossible for him to stay mad at his brother, and before long Kili caught sight of him sneaking back into the treasure room late at night when Bilbo and Kili were up late reading fanfiction online.

At first Fili kept his distance, preferring to sit atop a mound of gold watching Kili read to Bilbo. He was hesitant to rejoin them, and for the first night of his return he only watched them for an hour or two before leaving and going back to bed. Mahal only knew what had been written about him in Thorin's Decision, and he was almost afraid to see if anything new had been posted.

But Fili missed his brother. He had enjoyed spending time with him and exploring the internet together. Wherever Kili went Fili was never far behind, and so Fili finally made his way back to their little clearing in the mountains of gold coins and jewels to rejoin his brother once again.

It was a long time before Thorin's Decision was updated again. While they waited for the new chapter to be posted, Fili started to tease Kili, asking him if he wanted to make another bet as to when the story would be updated, to which Kili quickly replied that he'd rather not make anymore bets.

"Do you realize that we've been following this story for over a month and a half now, Fili?" Kili said one night as he and his brother along with Bilbo Baggins sat infront of the arkenstone, their faces bathed in the gentle glow of the screen in the upper half of the oversized gemstone on Kili's lap.

"A month and a half?" Fili echoed. "Seems like much longer than that to me. And not for obvious reasons."

"Sure, Fee." Kili smiled and lightly bumped his brother in the shoulder with his fist.

"Thorin isn't on to us yet, is he?" Bilbo asked, taking a step to the left so he could see over Fili's shoulder and get a better view of the computer screen. "He doesn't suspect anything, does he?"

"No, I don't think he knows anything yet," said Fili. "We'll be fine so long as we don't stay up all night online too often." He then shot an accusing glance towards his sibling.

"What?" Kili tried to act innocent.

"You fell asleep with your face in your breakfast," said Fili.

"One time, Fee. And it wasn't a big deal."

"Nori had to lift you up out of your bowl of porridge by the back of your tunic."

"Well, I wouldn't have stayed up late if you hadn't insisted on watching that movie we downloaded. And atleast I didn't have nightmares from watching that movie."

"Movie?" Bilbo looked confused, turning his head and looking from one dwarf to the other for an explanation of what the heirs of Durin were talking about. "What's that? What does 'download' mean?"

The curious little hobbit was so full of questions, and Fili and Kili often found themselves having to stop and explain things to him. Most of it went right over Bilbo's head as he couldn't quite grasp the meaning of what they were trying to explain. But some of it sunk in, giving Bilbo a vague idea of what they were talking about.

"A movie is like a moving picture on a screen," said Fili. "Downloading is...well, I'm not sure how to explain that one. But you would have seen the movie too if you hadn't fallen asleep that night."

"The word 'download' sounds like what you dwarves did in my bathroom the night you all arrived that all but destroyed the plumbing."

"That was mostly Bombur's doing. You saw the blocks of cheese he was carting off to the table. Eating that much cheese has a price to pay, you know."

It was then that Kili interruped their conversation by pointing out the alert he'd just received in his inbox letting them know that Thorin's Decision had been updated.

"Oh Mahal, here we go again," said Fili.

"Come on, Fili, you know you love it," said Kili, grinning as he elbowed his brother in the side. "This is it, Fee. I bet this will be the chapter Oin finally gets around to cutting you open. I bet uncle Thorin and the others will show up, have an epic battle with Azog that'll send him and his orcs running for the hills, then it'll be time for Oin to get to work on you."

"Hooray," said Fili dryly, rolling his eyes.

"Or, better yet, what if Azog were to stick his head in the cave and see us, then go charging in thinking he's found an easy target, and Fili wakes up and projectile spews all over Azog in the face!"

Fili silently turned his head and looked at his younger brother, his mouth a thin straight line and his face wearing an expression of detached boredum tinged with mild annoyance. After listening to Kili's constant jokes and teasing for over a month Fili didn't even bother trying to stop his sibling anymore. He just decided to sit back and let Kili go until he ran out of steam for all his crude jokes and commentaries.

The blond prince sighed and looked away from his brother as Kili continued to laugh at the joke he just made. "I don't think the author of this story had any idea what they were starting when they typed the word 'spew' in that first chapter, Bilbo."

Finally, after a minute or two of hearty laugher from the brunette dwarf Kili quieted down and the three of them began to read. This time, however, there was little to laugh at, and Kili found himself left with next to no ammuniton to make jokes with.

"Well there goes our road trip to Rivendell," said Kili after reading the first couple of paragraphs of the chapter. "Looks like we won't be having our little picnic with the elves after all. _Metun mênu rakhâs, khâzash,_" he added in Khuzdul to Fili.

Both dwarves groaned when they saw what happened next, dismay and disbelief clouding their expressions as they read the words on the screen.

"A broken nose from a bolas around me neck?" Kili said, a horrified look of shock on his young face.

Quick to think up a cunning retort, Fili laughed, elbowing his brother in the side and said, "Oh come on, Kee, you know you love it!"

The laughter died abruptly in Fili's throat when Kili pointed out the scence where an orc rammed its foot into Fili's stomach.

"Ohhh... Oh Mahal, I don't believe that," Fili groaned. "I don't believe that..."

"If that doesn't cause you to have a total guts blowout then I don't know what will," said Kili.

"Yep, that probably did it," Bilbo agreed. The hobbit then watched as Kili deposited the arkenstone in Bilbo's lap and both dwarves stood up and walked away.

"Fili? Kili? What's wrong? Where are you going?" asked the hobbit.

"Not now, Bilbo," said Fili, who was now standing several feet away with his eyes squeezed shut, massaging his temples as he tried to gather his thoughts after what he'd just read. Apparently the two dwarves were in shock after reading the latest installment of Thorin's Decision.

For several minutes Kili was quiet, while the only thing Bilbo heard from Fili was the blond prince muttering in Khuzdul and repeatedly saying, "I can't believe that... I cannot believe it!"

"Looks like you finally met the Repo Man!" Kili suddenly called out, turning to face his brother. "Azog, the Repo Man! He will come in your weakest hour when no one is around who might rescue you - "

Fili cut his brother off in mid-sentence by saying, "Do not start singing that song again. You'll give me nightmares."

"You aren't starting to regret your decision to go to Rivendell, are you?" asked Kili. "You could have just stayed put and let Oin take care of everything. But now Azog is going to slice you open and string your guts along the treetops like yuletide decorations."

"Oh aye, that's if I have any guts left to cut out by the time the orcs are finished stomping my innards out my mouth, nose and arse!" Fili spat out irritably. "Meanwhile Gandalf is down in Dol Guldur trying to explain to the Necromerchant why the richest prince in Erebor can't pay his debts because his uncle has a severe case of gold sickness and refuses to part with a single coin."

"And when the orcs are done stomping your guts out they'll tap dance on my face until they finish smashing my nose in."

Fili sighed and ran his fingers back through his golden mane of hair. "I still don't believe any of this. Kicked in the stomach by an orc..."

"What do you suppose will happen next, Fee?" the brunette dwarf queried, rubbing his chin thoughtfully as he pondered the possibilities. "You think Azog will rip open your stomach and proceed to dungeon crawl though your abdominal cavity?"

"Oh hell, why not? It's going to come to that in the end anyway." The blond prince then turned and started to leave the treasure room. "I think I've had enough for one evening, Kili. I'm going to bed before Azog cuts your nose off and feeds it to his pet warg with a side order of my entrails for dessert."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: bonus points and digital cookies to anyone who got the Repo! The Genetic Opera references in this chapter and the last.**

**Also, here is a quick translation - Metun mênu rakhâs, khâzash = you dine with orcs, brother.**


	6. The Lion, the Wolf and the Prince

Chapter 6: The Lion, the Wolf and the Prince

"I'm bored," sighed Kili. The young archer flopped over onto his back in the middle of a pile of gold coins and started making snow angels in the coins to pass the time. "How long has it been since Thorin's Decision was last updated, Fee?"

Beside Kili his older sibling was sitting with the arkenstone on his lap engrossed in watching a movie. He had long ago given up on Thorin's Decision, thinking that it made been abandoned by its creator. Without that story to wind Kili up the older of the two Durin brothers could now browse the internet in peace.

"Its been over a month now, Kili," said the blond prince.

"We're never going to read a new chapter of that story are we?"

Fili didn't answer. He wasn't really listening to his younger sibling anyway as he had decided to watch a movie from his collection of films he'd downloaded from Netflix.

"Fee!' Kili picked up a small goblet from the pile of gold he was laying in and flung it in his brother's general direction. "Are you listening to me?"

Fili ducked as the goblet went sailing over his head.

"What're you watching?" Kili asked. His brother turned the arkenstone around and Kili saw an image of himself on the screen screaming and thrashing around on a table as Bard's two daughters and Fili tried to hold him down. The brunette prince groaned and buried his face in his hands.

"Now you know how I feel," said Fili with a smirk. He then went back to watching his movie while Kili stalked off to find something more interesting to do.

Nowadays the two heirs of Durin were alone at night in the treasure room. Bilbo had grown tired of waiting for Thorin's Decision to be updated, and after a few weeks had decided to return to going to bed at an earlier time instead of staying up all night with Fili and Kili watching movies that were of no interest to him.

"Call me when the new chapter is posted," he told them with a yawn as he left to go to bed.

The long nights continued until only Fili remained alone in the treasure room happily watching movies on the arkenstone. Most of the time he didn't even bother checking Thorin's Decision for updates because he truly believed the story would not be updated again. But then one night...

Fili was sitting on a mound of gold in the treasure room with the arkenstone on his lap. He had just logged into the account he and Kili shared on and was about to check for updates to the stories on their favorite list.

Kili, who had woken up in the middle of the night and gone off to get a midnight snack, crept down to the treasure room with a plush wolf tucked under his arm and a half eaten sandwich in his hand to see if Fili had found anything interesting online before going back to bed.

The brunette prince walked up to Fili and said, "Whatcha lookin' at, Fee?"

But Fili did not respond. He simply sat there, dumbfounded, staring at the screen in shock.

"Fee?" Kili nudged his brother in the back. "Fili, is something wrong?" He knelt down beside his older sibling and looked at what was on the arkenstone's screen.

Five seconds later...

"Bilbo!" Kili screamed as he went charging up the mound of gold towards the hobbit's living quarters. "Biillllbooooo!"

Kili returned with the hobbit several minutes later, both of them out of breath and panting as they sat down on either side of the still in shock blond prince.

"Is it true what Kili said?" Bilbo asked eagerly, turning the arkenstone towards him so he could see the screen better. "Has another chapter really been posted?"

"No..." Fili whispered, still wide eyed and staring at the screen in disbelief. He then launched into a fit of Khuzdul, shouting and ranting as the frightened hobbit backed away from the fuming prince.

"_Nai, nai! Gordul nadadith! Or nuf bedorn ek nu nuzuh deb. Af an arglar or un ar men."_

Kili just sat there and laughed as his brother continued to rant. He was far too happy and excited to see that Thorin's Decision had been updated to let his brother's foul mood effect him.

"Just let him get it out of his system," he told Bilbo. "He'll calm down in a minute." Kili then took the arkenstone off Fili's lap and sat down with it next to Bilbo so they could begin reading.

Fili glared at his sibling. "What're they writing about me now? Did I paint the walls with my total guts blowout yet?"

"No, Fili," Kili replied. "You should have a look at this. It's quite nice actually. It's a flashback to when we were dwarflings with uncle Thorin."

"What?" Fili blinked his bright blue eyes and leaned over Kili's shoulder to read what was on the screen.

The blond prince couldn't help but smile as he read what was written on the screen.

"'He even took to falling asleep beside his uncle at night,'" Fili said, reading aloud from the story. "That's true. I remember doing that, and the smell of uncle's pipe smoke as I lay snuggled against him in that overstuffed armchair in the living room. Even now I can smell that smoke and feel calmed and comforted by the scent. It's soothing. And it brings back good memories of being held by Thorin when I was little."

"It says you have a stuffed lion," Bilbo pointed out.

"Yes, I do have a stuffed lion," said Fili. "He was given to me by my father when I was a baby. I named him Vincent. He's a little worn and faded now, after all I've had him for over eighty years. But I still have him after all this time. And Kili, well..."

The brunette prince held up a ragged looking plush wolf and thrust the stuffed animal into Bilbo's face.

"This is Petey!" Kili said, grinning happily. "Say hello to mister Boggins, Petey."

Bilbo saw that there were stitches across the top of Petey's muzzle and one of the wolf's ears was squashed and bent at an odd angle.

"Always and forever," said Fili, smiling at the screen as he went back to reading. "This is sweet. I wish the rest of this story was like this."

The dwarves and the hobbit continued reading the story.

"Oh look," laughed Kili, pointing at the screen. "Bifur ran over Bofur."

"More like he ran into him," Fili corrected.

"'It was the second time that evening his hat had been unceremoniously ripped from his noggin,'" Bilbo read aloud.

"They're going to end up massacring that hat by the time the story is finished," said Kili, once again putting on tones of mock concern and seriousness. "Bifur better watch it. That hat is everything to Bofur. See the part they left out is how Bofur pounced on his hat after Bifur ran into him and started screaming, 'My precious! What did they do to the precious? They has got the precious dirty, they did. Look! Look! Look at all the nasty dust on the precious!'"

Kili started laughing so hard that he doubled over and accidently tumbled off the top of the mountain of gold they were sitting on. He slid over backwards with a yelp, his feet in the air as he went rolling down the side of the mountain.

Bilbo and Fili watched as Kili rolled and tumbled downhill before striking a stone pillar and coming to a hault in his descent. There was a short pause then Kili called out, "I'm okay!"

Fili just sighed and rolled his eyes. "_Jargh_," he muttered, shaking his head.

"Petey!" Kili suddenly screamed. "Where's Petey? Fili, I've lost Petey!"

"Looks like we know what Kili's precious is," said Bilbo, causing the blond prince to snort in amusement.

A few minutes later Kili trudged up the mountain of coins with his ragged wolf tucked safely under his arm.

"You were saying?" Fili chuckled, watching as his brother sat down in front of the arkenstone and pretended like nothing had happened.

Kili didn't speak. He was still feeling embarrassed after taking a tumble over the side of the mountain, so needless to say his little slip was enough to quiet him down for a while.

"Fili," Bilbo began. "Let's be serious here for a moment. Now I mean no offense or anything, but we both know that Bifur can be a little off at times. If this sort of thing really happened and Bifur went crashing into Bofur, what do you think would happen? How exactly would Bifur react if he went plowing into someone like that?"

"He'd probably start shouting in Khuzdul and signing wildly," said Fili.

"Then kidnap Bofur's hat and run away with it," said Kili, finding his voice and starting up again. "And he's more than 'a little off', Bilbo. Given the chance he'd probably marry Bofur's hat. Which is at least better than uncle Thorin giving it to Fili to use as a puke pot."

"Or he'd scoop up the hat and try using it to cook stew in," said Fili, who by now was growing immune to his brother's vomit jokes. "He'd be sitting there with a wooden spoon, stirring the stew in his cousin's hat. Then he'd narrow his eyes, grunt and say, 'mmmmm... _Kuridar_.'"

Both brothers laughed at this.

"_Kuldjargh_," laughed Kili.

"_Ai_," Fili agreed. "_Boki chuf kuri!"_

Bilbo looked from Fili to Kili, feeling left out and a little confused since he didn't understand what the were saying.

When their laughter finally died down Fili sighed, a smile still lingering on his face as he turned and looked at the arkenstone's screen.

"What am I going to do, Kili?" he asked. "I can see now that this story is going to keep being updated until it is complete. And I'm not looking forward to how this is going to end for me."

"Cheer up, brother," said Kili, patting his sibling on the shoulder. "It's still far beter than that one book that says we died during the battle of five armies."

"I know," Fili grumbled. "That was the worst fanfiction I ever read."

"Here." Kili handed Fili his plush wolf. "When you come to a rough spot in the story Petey will make you feel better."

Fili accepted the ragged wolf, his smile widening.

"Thank you, Kili. I'm sure this will help."

* * *

><p><strong>Translations<strong>

**Nai, nai! Gordul nadadith! Or nuf bedorn ek nu nuzuh deb. Af an arglar or un ar men. = No****, no! Dear god, look at this, little brother. I cannot believe this. There is now a new chapter to this book. They will butcher me and cut me open.**

**Jargh = idiot**

**Kuldjargh = ax idiot**

**Ai = yes**

**Kuridar = stew is good. Literally "stew good."**

**Boki chuf kuri = dwarf minor cheese stew.**

**Chuf is old cheese a dwarf minor keeps under his hat for emergencies. And boki is** **a slang word for a dwarf minor.**

**The words "or nuf bedorn ek nu nuzuh deb" literally translated mean "I not believe it, now at this time book new." It's the closest I could find to get the sentence that I wanted. So yeah, loosely translated it's close enough.**

**Thank you everyone and please leave me a review. Your thoughts and comments are much appreciated.**


	7. Bifur the Failed Cook

Chapter 7: Bifur the Failed Cook

The cold winter months had settled over the Lonely Mountain. It had now been seven months since Thorin's Decision was last updated, and with the weather turning so horibbly cold there was nothing much do to but stay inside and surf the web on the arkenstone.

"Fili," Kili whispered, leaning in close to his brother's ear and holding a hand up near the side of his mouth so no one could read his lips. The two heirs of Durin were walking through the halls of the Lonely Mountain and Kili didn't want their conversation to be overheard by any dwarves in passing. "You don't think uncle Thorin is starting to lose it, do you?"

The blond prince cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes, giving his little brother a fairly perplexed frown.

"No, Kili. Why do you ask?"

"Well we've reclaimed our kingdom and have been living here for about a year now. And for nearly the entire time we've been here we've been keeping it a secret from uncle Thorin that we have the arkenstone. I think being without that stone is making him mad."

Just as Kili finished his sentence the two brothers passed by Thorin in the hall.

The dwarf king was sitting on the floor, his knees drawn up to his chest with his arms wrapped around his legs. His eyes were wide and staring, unblinking and empty. He ceaselessly rocked himself back and forth, mutterering unintelligible nonsense as he continued to sway back and forth, back and forth.

Fili and Kili stopped and stared at their uncle. Thorin was so far gone he didn't even see them standing there.

"He's fine," said Fili, waving his uncle's condition off like it was nothing at all. "Probably has a bad case of indigestion. Or gas. Besides, I've seen him worse than this."

"You're probably right," said Kili. "I suppose that's what happens when Bombur gets sick and Bifur tries to cook dinner."

And with that Fili and Kili continued on their way to the treasure room.

With Thorin currently mentally incapacitated the heirs of Durin felt it was safe to return to the treasure room and get online even though it wasn't that late in the evening and a few of the other dwarves were still awake. Thorin certainly wouldn't be a problem now and there was no one in the treasure room at this late hour anyway. No one except Bilbo who had agreed to meet them there an hour before midnight so they could all look through their favorite fanfiction for updates.

Upon entering the treasure room Fili and Kili found their burglar patiently waiting for them with the arkenstone sitting on his lap.

"Kili, you're looking better this evening," said the hobbit as the princes approached him.

"Yes, I'm feeling much better master Boggins," said Kili, greeting the hobbit with a cheerful smile. "Dwalin was right. The best way to get rid of a cold is to give it to someone else. Still have a bit of a cough, though."

Fili snorted. "Oh yes, but did you have to sneeze all over Bombur's breakfast?"

"Just goes to prove that Bombur really will eat anything," said Kili with a shrug.

"Oh no," Bilbo groaned. "So you're the reason why the quality of our meals was sacrificed when Bifur was brought in as a replacement cook."

"Oh come now, Bilbo, Bifur's cooking isn't that bad," Kili insisted.

"Then why did Ori pass out and lose all feeling in his arms and legs for half an hour?" Bilbo shot back.

"How was Bifur supposed to know that Ori is allergic to onions?"

"It probably didn't help that Bifur forgot to cook the pork," Fili added.

"Pork? Are you sure that was even a pig, Fee?" Kili asked. "Because to me it looked like something I scraped off my boots onto Bilbo's mother's antique wooden pine box."

'"It was my mother's glory box," the hobbit corrected him with a tried sigh of frustration, rubbing his temples to try and releave the headache that was quickly setting in.

"Well glory to your mother in the highest!" Kili exclaimed, raising his hands above his head. "Hallelujah!"

Fili sighed and rolled his eyes. It looked like it was going to be another one of those nights now that Kili was feeling better. And if that wasn't enough Fili soon found a surprise waiting for him online - a brand new chapter of Thorin's Decision.

Needless to say Kili was delighted to see another chapter of his favorite story had been posted.

"It's like Christmas all over again!" he cried, hugging Bilbo and in the process almost squeezing the unfortunate hobbit half to death. "I got a late Christmas present! It's a little late but it's exactly what I wanted!"

"Kili please..." Bilbo choked hoarsely. "Can't...breathe..."

The brunette prince released Bilbo. He then turned to Fili, and when he saw the look on his brother's face which was of absolute annoyance and disgust he burst out laughing.

"Oh, you've had it now, Fee. You're doomed!" Kili's laughing then turned into a harsh coughing fit as he doubled over and coughed with his hand over his mouth. He coughed for several seconds until his eyes were watering, his nose was running and his chest aching from the remnants of his cold.

"Here," Bilbo said, offering Kili one of his handerkerchiefs.

"Thank you." Kili accepted the handkerchief and loudly blew his nose. "I don't know why but even after I've gotten over my cold I still continue to cough and blow my nose for a good two weeks afterwards." He held the soggy handkerchief out for Bilbo to take back.

"Uh, no, thank you," said Bilbo. "You can keep it. I have plenty."

"You sound like you're going to cough up a lung," said Fili. "You better give it a rest or Oin will have to cut you open next and stitch your lung back in."

"More like ram it down my throat," Kili muttered, dabbing his nose with Bilbo's handkerchief. "Let's just get going on the story, Fee."

They began reading, and not long into the new chapter Kili was pointing at the screen and laughing at Dwalin's misfortune.

"'They most certainly knew they were on the right trail when Dwalin accidently stepped in a pile of warg dung,'" Kili said, reading aloud from the story.

"Oh that's nice," Fili commented. "Now Azog will know they're coming because he'll be able to smell Dwalin a mile away."

"It won't bother me, Fee. I had my nose broken in an earlier chaspter, remember? And they probably stepped in one of Fili's puke piles too. And poor little Bilbo was barefoot and got it all squished between his furry toes!"

"Shut up!" Fili shouted as Bilbo retched at the thought and quickly clapped a hand over his mouth. "Shut up! Dammit Kili, would you just shut up!"

Kili rolled over one his side, curling into a ball and laughing until he was coughing again.

"It'll take him weeks to pick all the chunks out of his hair!" Kili wheezed.

Bilbo turned away, fighting the urge to be sick. Fili, trying to find a way to distract the hobbit and make him forget about Kili's utterly repulsive comment, pointed out Bilbo's scene with Balin in the story.

The hobbit slowly turned around, now holding one of his spare handkerchiefs over his mouth. He looked down at the screen on the arkenstone, and in the screen's pale light Fili could see that their burglar was looking rather green around the gills.

"I didn't know your brother has a vomit fetish," the hobbit groaned.

"Never mind that right now," said Fili. "Just read."

Bilbo began reading. Kili meanwhile was literally rolling around on the floor behind them and laughing like an idiot.

The hobbit read through the entire scene with Balin then wet back and pointed to an earlier scene on the screen.

"Is that such a good idea?" he asked. "Dwalin probably shouldn't be tossing your swords around like that. I'm lucky I didn't drop one of them and cut my foot off."

Fili couldn't help but laugh at the hobbit's comment.

"That does it. We're all screwed," he said. "Every last member of the company. I'm on the verge of having a total guts blowout, Kili coughed up a lung, and our burglar just went and cut his foot off. It's at this point in the story where Oin starts complaining that he's not getting paid enough for this. Uncle Thorin says, 'you're not getting paid for this at all,' and Oin says 'what about my share of the treasure? I demand a bigger share of the treasure for taking care of all you ungrateful bastards!'"

"And look at this," Bilbo continued, pointing out another part in the story. "'If they were alive what kind of heinous acts of torture were they be put through?'"

By now Kili had calmed down and stopped rolling though his uncle's vast collection of wealth. He rejoined the others, taking his seat next to Fili and joining in the conversation.

"What kind of torture, you say?" queried the dark haired prince. "How about being forced to listen to those Justin Beaver songs Fili found on YouTube?"

"That's Justin Bieber, Kili," Fili corrected him. "And if you think they're so awful then why did I catch you singing As Long As You Love Me to Tauriel?"

Kili blushed. "Well it sounds better when I sing it..."

"Sure, Kee," said Fili, a smirk creasing the corner of his mouth. He then returned to the story. "Now here's a pleasant thought. It says 'Fili will one day be king.' And as your king my first royal act will be to ban all books and movies that say we died in the battle of the five armies. They must all be gathered together in a pile and burned."

"Hear hear!" Kili cheered happily.

They continued reading, drawing closer to the end of the chapter, until they reached the final scene about Fili dry heaving on the floor.

"Oh good lord, Fili finally rolled out of puke!" Kili exclaimed in dismay.

"Rolled?" Fili started laughing.

"I meant to say ran. He ran out of puke."

"Rolled!" Fili continued laughing. "Is there nothing you can properly say or pronounce correctly?"

"Well that's it then," said Kili simply. "Story's over. No more puke. Good night." And with that he stood up and began to leave.

"Sit down," the blond prince told his younger brother. He put a hand on Kili's shoulder and forced him back down on his butt.

"But if there's no more puke for me to make jokes about what'll I do? What else is left?"

An angry glint flashed deep within Fili's rich blue eyes. There was no way in hell he was letting his brother back out now.

"Kili," Fili said in his most authoritative, commanding, royal voice. "You are going to stay here and finish the damn story with me. We're doing this together and I will not let you abandon this story. Not after all the vomit jokes, all the nightmares I've had, and all the times you thought it would be funny to read to us the stories where Legolas and I got married."

"You have to admit those stories were rather funny," Kili said, grinning at his older brother.

"No, they were not. I did not enjoy or appreciate those anymore than Bilbo liked reading about how Thorin supposedly got him pregnant."

Upon hearing this and being reminded of the fanfiction horrors he had seen Bilbo became ill, grabbing a solid gold helm encrusted with diamonds and rubies and vomiting into it.

"Fine," Kili said, sighing in defeat. "I'll stay with you and continue reading the story. But I just have one question - who is this Dragon MoonX the author mentions at the beginning of this chapter? That's not the username we go by."

It was a good question, and Fili had to admit that he didn't have the answer to Kili's question. He didn't know who Dragon MoonX was.

Elsewhere several thousand miles away from the snow covered Lonely Mountain the owner of the Dragon MoonX account was typing up a review for the latest chapter of Thorin's Decision. Black tips of razor sharp claws carefully touched the keys on a keyboard as shadows flickered across the cave wall, showing the figure of a large winged beast hunched over a strange glowing device that came from another place and time.

Slowly the beast turned, a fiendish grin upon its face, and Smaug addressed the reader.

"What? Are you surprised to see me?" The ancient dragon laughed, smoke trailing from his nostrils as his wicked cackling exposed rows of long white fangs. "Well, let's put it this way. If those dwarves can survive all the perils of their journey then so can I. How did I do it? I'm afraid I can't tell you that right now for that is a story for another day."

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><p><strong>AN: Alrght everyone. I have an important announcement to make. For the time being this is the last chapter of this story. But don't worry. This story will be continued as soon as Opal1030 updates Thorin's Decision. So thank you everyone who has reviewed so far. I'll be back with another chapter soon enough and then the fun will continue on once more.**


	8. The Crown of Thorin

Chapter 8: The Crown of Thorin

"Kili! Kili, stop this at once! Come back here!"

"No!"

"Dammit, Kili!"

The young archer laughed, skirting around a confused looking Nori as he ran through the halls of Erebor. In his hands he held an ornate crown set with brilliantly shining opals that he had snatched off Thorin's head. Kili was now running from his uncle, laughing as he carried off Thorin's crown.

"What do you want with this old thing anyway?" Kili called out over his shoulder as he ran. "It doesn't even look like a crown. It looks more like a tiara. I thought you wanted to be king of the dwarves, not an elven princess!"

"Kili, you little shit!" Thorin snarled, taking a swipe at his nephew and missing.

Balin heard the commotion and stepped out into the hall to see what was going on. He sighed and put his hands on his hips as he watched Kili and Thorin run past.

"Just another lovely day in Erebor I suppose," he muttered, shaking his head.

Farther down the hall Fili and Bilbo poked their heads around the corner, watching as Thorin and Kili disappeared down the corridor.

"Go, go!" Fili hissed, motioning with a wave of his hand towards the hall adjacent to the one they were standing in.

Bilbo nervously glanced around the empty corridor before sprinting off in the direction of the treasure room.

Lately Thorin had been spending a great deal of time in the treasure room digging through mounds of gold and jewels in search of the arkenstone. There were days when he wouldn't eat or sleep, refusing to leave until the arkenstone was found. This was causing a lot of problems for Fili, Kili and Bilbo who couldn't get online in the evenings like they usually did, not with Thorin practically camped out in the treasure room for the past week. This was also causing a great deal of concern among the other dwarves who were worried about their king.

Thorin's mind was lost in thoughts of the riches that filled his treasure room. He was distant, speaking little and sleeping even less. There were dark circles under his eyes and a mad glint that shone in them like dragon's fire whenever someone mentioned his precious arkenstone, for it was the arkenstone that Thorin desired the most. It haunted his dreams until he couldn't sleep. He obsessed over it night and day until late one night he abandoned all thought of sleep and went to the treasure room to search for his lost gem, not knowing that his nephews had been in possession of it for the last several months.

The heirs of Durin had had to get creative, thinking of ways they could lure their uncle out of the treasure room long enough to check their stories for updates. To them Thorin's madness wasn't that big of a problem for they were still very young and had not yet realized the seriousness of the situation.

They hadn't seen what dragon sickness could do to someone. They had yet to experience what it was like to have their uncle turn on them in a mindless fit of rage. All that was about to change soon. But until then they kept right on planning and scheming, trying to think of ways to draw their uncle out of the treasure room.

Their latest plan was simple enough. They decided to have someone steal Thorin's crown and run away with it, forcing their uncle to chase them out of the treasure room. Kili was quick to volunteer for the position of crown snatcher since he found their plan highly amusing. He thought it would be funny to sneak up on his uncle and swipe his crown while Thorin wasn't looking.

They thought their plan was fool proof. They hadn't counted on two of their own kin having a plan of their own for keeping Thorin out of the treasure room.

Bilbo scurried off down the corridor carrying the arkenstone wrapped in his pillowcase. He tucked the bundle under his arm, making sure to keep the arkenstone hidden until he reached the treasure room where Fili was to meet up with him in a few minutes.

"Bother those dwarves," Bilbo huffed, running silently along as fast as his furry little feet could carry him. "I don't recall this being in the job description when I signed on as their burglar."

When he reached the large double doors that lead into the treasure room Bilbo found his path blocked by Bofur and Dwalin. The two dwarves appeared to be standing guard at the doors and weren't about to let anyone in.

The hobbit skidded to a stop, fumbling the arkenstone and almost dropping it. He looked from Bofur to Dwalin, wondering why they were here.

"Um, excuse me," Bilbo said, speaking rather hesitantly in his meek little hobbit voice. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a bother but may I ask what you're doing here?"

"We're here on Balin's orders," growled Dwalin in his gruff voice, eyeing the hobbit suspiciously. "We were to remove Thorin from the treasure room for the sake of his own sanity, but it seems as though Kili has already done that for us. Now we're to stay put and prevent Thorin from getting back inside."

"Oh." Bilbo shifted anxiously from one foot to the other. "How long do you plan on staying here?"

"Until Thorin comes to his senses," Dwalin replied. "He's got dragon sickness, and it won't do him any good to be around all this gold until he recovers."

Bofur cocked his head to the side and looked down at the cloth bound bundle tucked under Bilbo's arm. "Wha's that ya got under your arm, lad?"

Before the hobbit had a chance to speak Fili came running down the hall. He was moving so fast that when he tried to stop and turn the corner he went sliding across the floor and right past the entrance to the hall where Bilbo, Bofur and Dwalin were standing.

All three of them turned to look as the blond prince went sailing past them, watching as Fili slipped, fell and went sprawling on the floor on his back.

"I have to go," Bilbo announced suddenly. "Excuse me, but I just remembered a previous engagement that I'm late for." And with that the hobbit scampered off down the hall to join Fili around the corner.

When Fili heard what had happened from Bilbo he called an emergency meeting with him, his brother and Bilbo gathering in the prince's bedroom to discuss what was to be done about their current situation.

"I have the arkenstone," said Bilbo. "Can't we just get online here instead?"

"I don't think that would be a good idea," said Fili, frowning as he shook his head. "With Thorin on the rampage and unable to sleep he could come barging in here any time of the day or night."

"He's walking the halls, Bilbo," said Kili. "Uncle Thorin has completely lost his mind. I was there when Balin told him that they weren't going to let him in the treasure room. He let out a roar that would have sent Smaug running for cover and overturned a table in a fit of rage. He started shouting, 'I'm your king! You can't do this to me!' Then Gloin and Bombur had to restrain him and Bombur practically had to sit on him to keep him from demolishing the whole room."

"Now there's a frightening thought, Thorin causing such an uproar that Smaug is left cowering behind the sofa in fear like a frightened kitten," said Bilbo. He imagined in his mind how silly it would look if a dragon tried to hide behind a couch like a great bear attempting to take cover behind a matchstick and the thought made him laugh.

"It's not funny!" Kili insisted. "He thought I was in on it since I was the one who lured him out by stealing his crown and turned on me after he was done with the table. If it weren't for Gloin he probably would have smashed my face in like one of those orcs from Opal's story."

Fili rolled his eyes and said, "He only yelled at you a little, Kili. He's been screaming at both of us since we were children."

"No," said Kili, his deep brown eyes growing wide as he remembered how his uncle had lost his temper in a tremendous fit of rage, a rage not unlike that of a ferocious dragon. "No, this was different. You weren't there, Fee. You didn't see how bad it was. Ori was there and I think the poor lad wet himself out of fright."

"Well at least you got out of there without making a fool of yourself. I went running down the corridor, tripped and fell on my arse in a most undignified manner that wasn't at all befitting of a royal prince. I'll never be as majestic as uncle Thorin with that less than graceful mishap."

"You don't have to worry about that. I don't think I've ever seen him less majestic, Fili. I think Dwalin prancing about the hillside in a frilly pink dress would have been more majestic than that."

"And what are you going to do about Dwalin and Bofur?" asked Bilbo, interrupting their conversation. "They'd probably let us in but it's going to look rather odd with the three of us marching in there every evening after midnight."

"Is there anything we can use to lure Dwalin away from the door?" Kili asked. "I know he likes chocolate pie. Maybe we could try that."

"Kili," Fili huffed out an exasperated sigh. "We're not going to lure Dwalin away with a chocolate pie. That might work on Bombur but not with Dwalin."

"Hold on," said Bilbo. "I think I have an idea. Kili, do you still have your uncle's crown?"

It was well into the late hours of the night when a sound caught Dwalin's attention as he sat by the treasure room doors awake on watch. Bofur was asleep beside him, and he slapped the miner on the shoulder to rouse him from his sleep.

Bofur snorted, coming awake and blinking his eyes in the dim light of the torch lit corridor.

He pulled his hat up above his eyes and looked around. "Wha is it, Dwalin? Is somethin' going on?"

"Look," said Dwalin, pointing down the hall. "There's something moving down there."

The dwarves heard the sound of something hard and metallic hit the floor. Seconds later they saw a small object go rolling past in the distance.

Bofur and Dwalin both stood up and went to investigate, finding Thorin's crown on the floor in a corner.

"Ya know wha this means, don't you?" said Bofur, picking up the crown and holding it up so the torch light shone on it, causing the opals set in it to glimmer and shine. "This is Thorin's crown. Which means he must be somewhere nearby."

Bofur and Dwalin hadn't heard all the details as to how Kili managed to lure Thorin out of the treasure room by stealing his crown. They'd seen Thorin chasing after Kili and quickly went to take their places by the treasure room doors. They didn't notice Thorin's missing crown as he ran past.

"Let's search the area," said Dwalin. "You take that hall, I'll take the other."

"Right." Bofur nodded and headed off down the corridor to the left while Dwalin went right.

Unbeknownst to them Bilbo was standing a few feet away. Veiled by the magic in his ring they were unable to see him as they both split up to search for the intruder in the hall.

Once they were out of sight Bilbo slipped off his ring and motioned for Fili and Kili to follow him. The brothers were hiding behind a statue in the hall which resembled one of the dwarven kings of old. They quickly ran out from behind the statue and followed Bilbo towards the treasure room.

After a while Bofur returned. He looked around to see if Dwalin had come back yet when he noticed that the door to the treasure room was ajar.

There was something small and soft lying on the floor that was wedged between the doors. Bofur stooped to pick it up and saw that it was a rather ragged and worn plush wolf.

Bofur turned the wolf over in his hands, examining it closely in the torch light. He knew he'd seen this stuffed animal before. It belonged to Kili. But what would Kili be doing down here at this late hour of the night?

"Kili?" Bofur murmured, turning his attention towards the treasure room.

He pushed the door open wider. He thought he heard voices coming from inside.

Bofur stepped inside, following the sounds he heard. He was going to find out who was in the treasure room.

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><p><strong>AN: this special chapter (and the one that will follow it shortly) is dedicated to Nori'sLilThief, whose great reviews have inspired me to write this. **

**Thank you Nori'sLilThief, and thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed this story.**


	9. Busted

**Brief warning**: this chapter contains spoilers for the BOFA movie. You have been warned. That is all.

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><p>Chapter 9: Busted<p>

The hobbit and his dwarf companions settled themselves at the base of a mound of gold coins as Kili logged into their fanfiction account.

"I don't see any updates tonight," he told his brother. "Should we find something to read or do you want to watch a movie?"

"Let's look for something to read," said Fili. "I don't think I'll be watching anymore movies anytime soon. Not after the last one we watched. It was bad enough that they killed me but then they unceremoniously dumped my body off a cliff like a sack of rotten potatoes."

"You really don't have much luck with movies, do you, Fee?"

"Like you faired any better in that _sargh _film."

"At least I didn't get a knife through my foot like uncle Thorin did."

"Right," Fili remarked sarcastically. "Because a sword through your chest is so much better than a knife through your foot."

"_Or deladaraugh fur ess-i dat men tarein ha_!" Kili snapped, suddenly becoming defensive_. "Men lananubukhs _Tauriel. _Ekespu ess-i __or o targu men_."

Hearing this made Fili burst out laughing.

"_Menu penu shirumund_! he said, laughing at his brother.

_"Men eleneku_ Tauriel _o bepap opetu ezirak_!" Kili exclaimed.

Bilbo took a few steps back. He'd never seen Kili this angry and upset before and he found the dwarf's behavior a little unnerving. Apparently the young archer had inherited some of his uncle's temper and could be quite fierce when he wanted to be.

While they were talking Bofur crept up to the top of a mountainous heap of gold coins. He saw a pale white light shining in the darkness far below with what looked like three people gathered around it.

Bofur scooted forward a little, trying to get a better look at what was happening down below. Inch by inch he crept closer to the edge of the pile of gold coins, so focused on what was going on below that he didn't notice the coins starting to move and slide beneath him.

He shifted position, taking a few steps back and peering over the side of the mountain of gold. But it was too late. His movements had started the coins moving and they were now cascading downhill and taking him along for the ride. Bofur then lost his footing, falling onto his back and sliding downhill.

Fili and Kili stopped talking. Coins, goblets and various jewels were spilling down on either side of them in a growing avalanche of their uncle's riches. They turned their attention upwards, looking behind them and up the hill, only to see a figure rapidly gaining speed in an unstoppable downhill descent.

The brothers froze. Fili's mouth opened wordlessly in shock as his eyes went wide. Bilbo turned his head to see what they were looking at, and he too found himself rooted to the spot in absolute horror, knowing that they were about to get caught with Thorin's precious arkenstone. For all he knew it could even be Thorin himself speeding down the hill towards them.

Kili started backing away. Bofur was getting closer. "_Caragu_!" Kili shouted, turning quickly and running to get out of the way.

Clutching the arkenstone against his chest like a newborn infant Fili shot up off the ground and ran. Only Bilbo couldn't get out of the way fast enough as Bofur went sailing downhill and collided with the unfortunate hobbit.

The collision left them both reeling, with Bilbo on his side and Bofur draped across him like a beach towel.

Kili was panicking, rapidly spewing in Khuzdul as his brother tried to calm him down.

Bofur groaned, lifting his hat which had fallen down over his eyes. "Wha happened? Wha's goin' on down here?"

Kili shut his mouth, staring at the dwarf miner like he was a giant spider out of Mirkwood that was ready to pounce on them and attack at any moment.

"I'll handle this," said Fili, trying his best to placate his younger brother. "Let me do this, Kili. Just stay calm. It'll be alright."

Bofur leaned back, easing himself up off the hobbit as he sat down in the gold.

"I'm sorry, lad," he said, apologizing to Bilbo as the dazed hobbit tried to sit up, slipped in all the gold coins and fell back over onto his side. "I didn't know the mountain was gonna slide out from under me like tha. Here, let me help."

The dwarf miner helped Bilbo to his feet. He then turned and looked at Fili and Kili. He'd just opened his mouth to speak and had only gotten a few words out when the half completed sentence died in his throat as his gaze was drawn towards the shining objet in Fili's hands.

"Wha's that, lad?" he asked, leaning in closer for a better look at the ancient gemstone. "Tha's the arkenstone, isn't it?"

He stared at the radiant gemstone in wonder and awe, mesmerized by its stunning beauty.

"It is the arkenstone," he breathed in an astonished whisper. Bofur reached towards the arkenstone. "How did you find it?"

Fili backed away, making sure to keep the arkenstone out of Bofur's reach. The miner then looked at him and said, "There's somethin' wrong with it. It looks like it's been cleaved in two."

Kili shot his brother a nervous glance. This was it. There was no getting out of it now. They were going to have to explain about the arkenstone's secret.

Bofur reached for the arkenstone again, turning it towards himself so he could read the words on the screen. This left him utterly baffled. He hadn't the slightest idea what was going on or why the ancient stone appeared to have words written across its top half.

"Bofur, listen," Fili began. "No matter what happens you cannot tell our uncle about this. He doesn't need this right now. Not while he's running about the place like a rampaging dragon who's just had one of its eggs stolen out from under him."

"Right, right. I'm listening," said Bofur. He touched one of the keys on the arkenstone's keyboard, watching as the letter C appeared on the screen in the search box.

The blond prince took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for what he was about to do. He then began to tell Bofur about the arkenstone's magical ability to access the internet and all the stories they'd been reading on it.

Bofur looked amazed. "You can really do all tha with this thing?" he asked Fili.

Kili sighed and slapped his brother on the arm. "Why did you tell him that?" he spat in anger and frustration. "We should have made up an excuse, like saying Smaug accidently sat on it and broke it down the middle."

"Yes, well we noticed the early signs of dragon sickness in our uncle a long time ago," said Fili, taking a cue from his brother and putting on a serious face as he launched into his first lie to cover up what they'd done. "That's why we didn't tell anyone that we have the arkenstone. We were afraid that if word got out our uncle would surely lose what little sanity he has left, and we didn't want that to happen. So we kept it a secret for his own good."

"And how long have ya had this?" Bofur asked.

"A week," Fili lied.

Bofur reached for the arkenstone again and this time Fili let him hold it.

The dwarf miner looked at the arkenstone from all angles with such curious fascination, turning it this way and that in his hands.

"Be careful not to drop it," said Kili, fussing over the oversized gemstone like a mother hen with her chicks. He still didn't think it was a good idea to tell Bofur what they were up to or that they had the arkenstone, and a part of him was fighting the urge to snatch the arkenstone and run.

"I see wha ya mean about not tellin' Thorin for the sake of his own well being," said Bofur. "If he got a hold of this now it would only cause more problems."

"We were going to tell Balin about it in the morning," said Fili, continuing to add on to his lie. "We've had it long enough and started thinking it would be better to inform him of its wereabouts. But after seeing the way uncle Thorin has been behaving recently we thought it would be better to keep it a secret. We were just coming to check on it and make sure that it was still safely hidden when you found us."

Bilbo kept his mouth shut the entire time Fili was spinning his lies and far flung stories for Bofur. His eyebrows raised up so high they threatened to disappear into his curly hairline, and the hobbit gave Fili an astonished look that clearly said, "You have got to be kidding me!"

If this was what Fili was like as a prince then Mahal help the kingdom when Thorin passed and Fili went on to rule in his place.

Kili, having finally heard enough of his brother's lies, seized Fili by the arm and hauled him away from Bilbo and Bofur.

"What are you doing?" Kili hissed in a harsh angry whisper once he and his brother were far enough away to avoid being overheard by the others. "You can't do this! Bofur is going to tell everyone and then Thorin will have us banished from the kingdom for not giving him the arkenstone the moment we first found it."

Fili remained surprisingly calm while listening to his brother's ranting.

"Kili, it'll be fine," he said in a smooth calm tone. Apparently the future king of Erebor could easily switch on a regal eloquence at will that he'd been practicing for the day when he was in charge and needed to calm and reassure his subjects.

The only problem was that his silver tongued skill had little to no effect on his brother who knew him well enough to tell when he was full of crap and putting on a show for the public.

Kili grabbed one of his brother's braids and tugged on it, nearly yanking Fili's golden hair out by the roots, a childish habit Kili had developed when he was very young as a means of getting his brother's attention.

"No, no, no! You're not listening to me, Fee!"

"Oww! Kili, what're you doing? Stop it!"

And just like that Fili's regal performance was over as they reverted back to fighting like they were children.

Only Bilbo was watching as Fili shoved Kili, which resulted in the younger of the two brother's falling and pulling out the beads in Fili's mustache along with several strands of blond hair. Bofur meanwhile was staring at the glowing screen on the arkenstone and experimentally pressing buttons on the keyboard to see what would happen.

Fili rejoined the others a short while later, looking less than majestic with the left side of his braided mustache completely unraveled after his skirmish with Kili. But despite his appearance he still tried his best to assume the role of a royal leader with some dignity as he continued his conversation with Bofur like nothing had happened.

"You won't tell uncle Thorin or any of the others about this, will you?" he asked Bofur, a pleading look in his deep blue eyes. "I fear for my uncle's sanity," he said in a grim and somber tone. "We mustn't alert anyone to the fact that we have this in our possession, or else we may lose Thorin forever. Perhaps there will come a day when we can return to him what is rightfully his. But for now I think it's best if we keep this to ourselves."

There was a brief pause as Bofur took a minute to consider what Fili had said. Kili held his breath, glancing over at Bilbo who was watching everything with wide eyed anticipation.

"Bofur," Fili said when he felt that the unnerving silence had gone on for far too long. "Will you keep this a secret?"

"Certainly, lads. I can keep quiet about this," Bofur replied. "I agree tha Thorin doesn't need this right now. And the more people who know about this then the greater the chance tha one of them might accidently let slip tha we have this."

"What a minute," said Kili, looking anxiously from Bofur to Fili. "We? Are you counting yourself in on this now too?"

Fili ignored his brother's question and took a step forward, standing beside Bofur.

Of course Bofur was a part of this now. There was nothing left to do but include him in this and hope that he could stay true to his word and not tell Thorin or the others about this.

"Thank you, Bofur," said Fili, clapping a hand on the miner's shoulder and smiling at him.

"It's not a problem," said Bofur in a deeply sympathetic tone. "I understand how worried you must be about your uncle. We all are right now." He then turned his attention back to the arkenstone's glowing screen. "So how do ya work this thing?"

And just like that Bofur became an official member of the Heir of Durin Reading Club, joining them as Fili scrolled down the list of stories and settled on one called Wildflower.

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><p><strong>Translations<strong>

Sargh = disgusting thing or occurrence, filth

Or deladaraugh fur ess-i dat men tarein ha! = I died in battle for the woman that I loved!

Men lananubukhs Tauriel. Ekespu ess-i or o targu men. = I love Tauriel. She means more to me than my beard.

Menu penu shirumund = You have no beard.

Men eleneku Tauriel o bepap opetu ezirak = I desire Tauriel more than an endless vein of mithril.

Caragu = this is basically the dwarvish equivalent of screaming, "Oh shit!"

**A/N: stay tuned, everyone! There's more to come because I think I'm going to keep this story going with another chapter or two while I'm waiting for Opal1030 to update Thorin's Decision. It might be a while before Fili and Kili get to read a new chapter of their favorite story, so I'll try thinking of things to keep them busy in the meantime.**

**If you'd like to help keep Fili and Kili occupied, send in your comments and ideas in a review. If it inspires me I may use it in this story so they'll have something to do and you'll have something to read.**


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